I unlocked my front door and walked inside.

The package I was expecting was sitting on the kitchen table.

I opened it with my keys, and took out the book I’d ordered from Amazon.

It was The Complete Essays of Michel De Montaigne.

I took the book up to my room and laid down on my bed.

I had half an hour until I had to leave, so I opened the book and looked through the list of essays.

20. To philosophize is to learn how to die 89

That one sounds interesting.

I flicked to page 89 and started reading.

I highlighted each sentence I thought sounded profound, and put a red star next to what I thought was really good.

Here’s one of the quotes with a red star:

“Believe that each day was the last to shine on you. If it comes, any expected hour will be welcome indeed.”

Which really got me thinking.

What if, today was my last day?

Fuck, that’s actually kind of scary to think about.

I continued reading on, painting the pages with my bright yellow highlighter, until the end of the essay.

“All days lead to death: the last one gets you there.”

Fuck I gotta leave, or else I might miss my movie.

I grabbed a jacket from my wardrobe, and left the house.

I walked to my car, opened the door, and started the engine.

As I drove off I started imagining myself getting into a head on collision.

I could see the glass shattering, and my body being crumpled.

I continued driving while contemplating if this could be my last day.

I eventually made it to the cinema, and after doing multiple laps of the block, I finally found a park, got out of my car, and made my way in.

I paid $8 for my favourite chocolate, Peanut M&Ms, just in case, you know?

I’d bought tickets to see this movie over a month ago, and I wasn’t even sure what it was even about. All I knew was that it was a three-hour-long Russian film called Stalker.

As I walked into the theatre, I was met with almost every seat taken. I eventually found somewhere to sit up on the balcony, and prepared myself for the next three hours.

As I sat there chewing on my peanut M&Ms the concept of the film was slowly revealed. Apparently, these three guys, The Stalker, The Writer, and The Scientist, were about to travel to a place called The Zone, where all their deepest desires came true.

And although the film was beautifully shot with each scene framed to perfection, I got bored with the inchworm pacing and instead started watching my mind wonder.

What if I get up and yell something out to prove I have agency over my life?

This could be my last day, right?

So why am I sitting here falling asleep, in this boring movie?

Shouldn’t I be out there making love and chasing my desires?

You know, living in the moment, and not thinking about tomorrow!

The movie caught my attention again, and my focus shifted back to what was happening on the screen.

“My conscience wants vegetarianism to win over the world. And my subconscious is yearning for a piece of juicy meat. But what do I want?”

You’re right, what do I want?

Is it to not feel pain?

Is it to be free?

I don’t know?

The movie continued, and I thought about leaving multiple times, until I reached the halfway point, and knew I’d passed the threshold, so there was no turning back.

I continued watching, drifting in and out of focus of the movie, remembering a quote from the essay I’d read earlier.

“When I die, I may be in the midst of my work.”

This scared me.

I thought about all the things I’ll leave unturned when my moment came.

I thought about all the goodbyes I won’t get to say.

I thought about all the places I won’t get to go.

I thought about all the projects I won’t get to finish.

I thought about all the people I won’t get to love.

Then I remembered all the goodbyes I have said, all the places I have seen, all the projects I have finished, and the people I have loved.

I finished watching the movie, and couldn’t stop thinking about death, and this surreal Russian film I’d just subjected myself to.

I waited in my seat until everyone left, before writing some thoughts in my notes app on my phone.

“One day I won’t be here, but for a brief moment, I will.”

I left the cinema, walked back to my car, and drove home.

I greeted my dad when I entered our house before going upstairs, laying down, and closing my eyes.

And then I woke up.

It was the next day.

I wanted to go for a swim, and finish reading Harry Potter and The Philosophers Stone, but before I could do that, I had to make my bed.